If I were an MP

So the MPs expenses scandal rears its head again as Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow is begging the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority to keep quiet about MPs renting tax-payer provided homes to each other becuse he claims it would present a ‘security risk’. Apparently MPs may start feeling insecure if the public knew what dubious antics they are getting up to.

It gives me an excuse to re-post a poem I wrote a few years back during the original expenses scandal. Proof of reoccuring corruption in government? Possibly. Lazy blogging? Definately.

Cat in the hat/ John Bercow
Gerald McGee

Every day outside the John Lewis store,

You’d find Gerald McGee lurking by the door,

As he stared through the window he spied,

All the wondrous things which lay inside.

Cushions and clothes, sofas and hats,

TV’s and jewelry, make-up and mats,

Cutlery and toys, Hi-Fis and lighting,

Gloves (woolly and the sort used for fighting)

Linen and plates, tables and cots,

And more and more, and lots and lots.

For young Gerald was a simple chap,

He knew he didn’t need all this crap,

But he wanted these things all the same,

(It’s the TV and adverts that I blame),

However he didn’t care to pay,

So Gerald came up with a plan one day,

He said I have a scheme that cannot fail,

I can have it all (while avoiding jail),

I’ll buy what I want and then claim it back,

There’s only one job where this won’t get me the sack,

I’ll become a member of Parliament.

To get the money which needs to be spent

I don’t want to tread a party line,

I’m just really into interior design,

They’ll ask, “Why does young Gerald McGee,

Seem to be getting all that crap for free?”

I’ll hardly be able to contain my glee,

When I reply, It comes with the constituency,

They’ll say, “Do you need an ipod car mount?”

I’ll reply, need is relative with an expense account,

And I’m afraid I have an extensive shopping list,

To fill my second home (which may, or may not exist),

See I’m not one of life’s givers, I’m a more of a taker,

And I really want that Jamie Oliver flavour shaker,

I’ve no idea what it does, but still,

It’s not as if I will be paying the bill.

The taxpayer will pay for my house rennovation,

Isn’t this a wonderful and generous nation?

And when the flat’s done, at all that expense,

I’ll decide my country house is my second residence

So it’s back to JohnLewis.co.uk,

And of course,I’ll expect you guys to pay,

My house, said young Gerald will be fit for a king,

but of course it won’t actually cost me a thing

And they’ll see their reflection in my chrome dualit toaster,

As they rest their china mugs on my gold lacquered coaster,

And they’ll say “What a tasteful blighter, this Gerald McGee,

I presume he must be a LibDem MP.

But claiming for cushions is takes liberties,

Next election we’ll introduce his groin to our knees”.

Not an item too little, not a sundry too small,

Hang the inexpense, I’ll claim for them all.

A bath plug, a lightbulb, a thimble, an eggcup,

Little by little, it all mounts up.

Every penny I spend. I’ll take into account

Til those pennies add up to a whopping amount

They’ll say, “A meaner fellow you never did meet

Why, he’d even ask a beggar for a receipt

Is there anything he’ll not claim for this Gerald McGee?

You’d never hear him say, “this one’s on me”

What a shining example of a Labour MP,”

And when I finally own all that can be bought,

I’ll get a new surface for my tennis court.

You see I don’t just want your vote,

I also want you to clean my moat,

Of course I’m in touch with the man on the street,

He cleans my chandelier and keeps the garden neat,

They say, “You Tories are all the same

With your country estate and your double-barrelled name,

But we won’t care who your dad is, or that you went to Eton,

Come the election, you’ll still get a beatin’”,

Did I ever thank you for the 32” TV

On which the lovely Ms Sarah Beeney,

Explained how I could make a massive profit,

By doing up my house and selling off-it,

The capital gains goes straight to my pocket

And if I get caught on the take

I’ll just claim it was an honest mistake

Young Gerald cried out – You fools

You see it was all within the rules

And may I add in my defence,

I had no idea you’d all take offence,

At my living the high life at your expense,

It’s just the way the system works,

Just think of it as one of the job perks ,

And it’s not just us MPs and Peers,

The royal family’s been doing it for years,

They’ll say – “Now Gerald we’ve had enough,

We’re in a recession and times are tough,

You and your kind have had your day

And now we think that it’s your turn to pay,

The very last thing we taxpayers will provide,

Is this box filled with shiny bullets inside,

One for each of you guys in Whitehall,

Now please take your place against that wall.”

Which is why you won’t see young Gerry no more,

Lurking outside the John Lewis store,

He decided politics wasn’t for him,

The rewards were great, but the ending looked grim,

What Gerald wanted was a career,

Where he could help himself without any fear,

That he would ever be called to account,

Or be asked to pay back even the slightest amount,

They’ll say “Why that young Gerald McGee,

Has taken all our money, and got away scott free,

I don’t need to be loved, I can deal with the rancour,

For I’m Gerald Mcgee the investment banker.


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