Drugging children – Clearly I’m not talking about letting toddlers wonder around stoned all day. However a mild sedative on certain occasions should be forgivable. For example, it’s their bedtime, you’ve had a really crappy day, the children won’t settle and Gardeners’ World is on in a minute. Would slipping them a bit of Nytol be such a bad thing? No? Just me? Ok then forget I said anything, I was just kidding anyway. Whatever.
Not being a good driver – There are times when someone is driving dangerously and risking lives, in which case it’s entirely reasonable to shout obscenities at them and make corresponding hand gestures. However we are just as likely to dish out the diss just because someone’s not driving very well. Slightly crooked parking, in the wrong lane or just being a bit nervous at a roundabout can earn you (what I feel to be) a disproportionate reaction. Being called a bad driver is an unacceptable insult, and no one will admit to it. I know people whose lives revolve around ensuring they will never be witnessed attempting to parallel park. Be honest people, most of the time driving is about getting from A to B, or getting from A to just a bit past A without having to change out of your slippers, but that’s pretty much it. Always being in the correct gear is not the pinnacle of human achievement. If you think it is and you own a Jeremy Clarkson book which wasn’t given to you as a joke, then I can’t help you. For the record I am an excellent driver.
Being offended – How did being offended become a big deal? I’ve checked the dictionary and it says – Offend vb something someone can get over quite easily, basically not that big a deal on the scale of things. It definitely says exactly that so you needn’t bother checking. Recently however it would seem that causing offence is enough to get you sacked from your job, vilified by the media or murdered by extremists, any one of which is much, much worse than being offended. This innocuous emotion is beginning to impinge on free speech and that offends me so I’m going to start a hate campaign and violently protest. Or perhaps I’ll just grumble about it a bit then get on with things. Just don’t ever call me a bad driver or I’ll slaughter you whole f***ing family.
Ignoring old people. – I’ve spent far too much of my life caught up in unpleasant conversations with old people exposing their dubious world views which I feel obliged to endure, purely because they are old. Recently I have become to question this deference based solely on their longevity. I don’t feel that sort of loyalty to dairy products or hoover bags or socks, so why feel that way about people, who are neither as delicious nor useful nor cosy. I’m not taking about showing consideration to the elderly for physical limitations brought on by old age- that’s only fair. I’m against the assumption that everyone over the age of 65 is a lovely, cuddly war hero. Apart from anything else it’s patronising and ageist. Apparently only the good die young, – remember that next time an old lady lectures you about ‘children nowadays’, or an elderly man starts spouting outraged bigotry at you. You don’t have to listen. Old people talk just as much rubbish as the rest of us.
Spending all your family’s money on seeds – This shouldn’t need justifying, but look at all the hassle Jack got into when he started the beanstalk initiative. Try explaining this to my husband when he’s bitching about the £50 I’ve just blown at Wyvale. Some people have no vision.