Today’s dilemma: I would like to order some stuff from the new Avon catalogue, but I already have way too many bottles cluttering up my bedside table, not all of them are wine, not all of them are empty.
I’ve decided that before I can reasonably spend any more money on cosmetics I must first work my way through the mountain of lotions and potions I have amassed from the days when I used to spend a fortune trying to eradicate the lines I got from worrying about how much money I spent.
I used to be quite girly. I’d spend evenings ‘pampering’ myself. Plucking, exfoliating, waxing scrubbing, tweezering etc. and that’s just my knees. When I moved onto my frontal facial zone, the big guns came out. Here the mission changed from corrective to camouflage. So I’d spend half an hour with various creams and scrubs rubbing my face off and then another hour with make-up drawing myself a new one.
At the end of the evening I’d realise that I still have a fat nose, thin lips and in silhouette, I’m still the double of Bruce Forsyth. So I’d descend into depression fueled by alcohol, chocolate and cigarettes.
Nowadays I have less time so I skip the pampering and dive straight into the self-loathing. The only bottle I grab and apply liberally is Merlot.
As Popeye once said I Yam, What I Yam – one of the many things I have learnt from hanging out with sailors which have come in handy, (along with how to untie a reef knot with your teeth and a where to get good sushi in Kaliningrad in a Sunday). So I’m not trying to achieve unreachable goals any more, but I would still like my face to look a bit less like a handbag.
So today I have begun my mission to use up all the gimmicky crap I fell for which doesn’t work, so I can go out and buy some magic lotions which I’m certain will change my life forever.
My new beauty routine begins with Dr Nick Lowe Dark Circle Removing Cream. All I remember about this is that it was very expensive and it had a warning that you shouldn’t use it when pregnant or breast feeding (weird). I see the use before date is an impressive 06/11 and I pat the stuff on and feel the burn.
Next up is Elizabeth Arden Eye-fix primer or Creme Stabilisant pour le Marquillage des Yeux if you speak BS. This is meant to keep your eye make-up on, so now I’ve kinda committed to putting on eye make up. Never mind, in for a penny.
Dammit, I’ve overdone it on the primer and my face is beginning to numb. I may feel like I’ve had a stroke, but by god is my face primed.
Then I dab on Garnier Anti-dark circles roll on which I like just for the name which sounds like we’re actively campaigning against dark circles, those bastards.
All the chemicals I’m rubbing into my pores are beginning to give my skin a reddish tint I’d describe as ‘aggrevated’, so I decide to skip the blusher and just dust on some Barbara Daly Pressed Perfection Powder using a brush so big I’m going to use it to paint the house.
Time is pressing on and I’m late for the school run. In fact the older one has already gone as he can’t be late today, because of a meeting with a social worker or something, anyway. EYELINER.
Maybeline Khol Express which turns out to be in brown. Which comes as a pleasant relief as I had spotted the brown colouring at the top and assumed it had got that way from being used for ‘other purposes’, but no, it’s supposed to be brown, so I’ll finish off the look (brownness) with Maybeline Colour Tattoo 24hr eye shadow.
I’d forgotton how incredibly boring all this stuff is so I slick on some mascara (Elizabeth Arden Lash Extending Treatment) and get dressed.
Polo neck- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
After going through all that faffing around, I’ve just transferred my new face on to my jumper.*
* Many people think the reason why TV presenters wear paper bibs when they’re not on air is to keep makeup off their collar, but my husband, who works with TV newsreaders, says that they actually wear them because they dribble like little babies. Something to do with years of hairspray and Piz Buin causing a build up of toxins, paralysing the glands which control their saliva. Huw Edwards isn’t even Welsh, he’s just an acute case.
Ah well, at least I’m partway towards clearing the shelves of ignored cosmetics, Tonight – hands, feet and the bits in between.