Look, I know I’m probably not the target demographic, but did anyone else find the Beyoncé/Jay-Z performance at the Grammys a bit weird?
I didn’t watch the show, but the following day I was building up the leftie rage which drives me through the rest of the day by reading the Mail Online. They had their usual, written-in-crayon headline- ‘Sad day when our kids can’t watch the Grammys – Beyoncé slammed by parents.’
In true DM style there was the usual dodgy screen-grab of Beyoncé, with an arse you could rest a pint on, doing a terrible job of sitting on a chair. She wasn’t standing in front of a giant blower like she usually does whenever on stage, which is probably why her hair was wet, instead she was surrounded by smoke and low disco lights, reminiscent of every nightclub in Hull I’ve ever been to.
Wow, sleazy, slutty Beyoncé, with hair that looks she’s dipped her head in chip fat – this is going to be good, I thought as I clicked my way to Youtube. Unfortunately it really wasn’t. It wasn’t sexy it wasn’t hot, it wasn’t even artistically interesting. It was just a bit awkward.
If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother. Basically B slops around on a chair for a bit shouting into a microphone. You can’t make out all the words, but I think she’s talking about being a bit pissed in the kitchen (welcome to my world, love). Then her husband Jay-Z, comes onto stage and they slip into that ‘bloke stands there rapping while woman is next to him rubbing herself like she’s slapping on Vicks’ routine.
I got bored of this type of thing a while ago, I prefer the kind of dancing where people are dancing. A woman gyrating around a stock-still bloke, just reminds me of a pissed middle-aged couple at a wedding,- all a bit Abigail’s Party. I guess it’s perspective. I know the message of the Blurred Lines video is supposed to be ‘Look at us guys, we’re so damn sexy beautiful women want to prance naked around us’. The message I got was ‘Look at us guys, obviously we paid these women a lot of money to do this, please don’t laugh.’
The thing with Beyoncé & Jay-Z’s routine is that they are actually married, so it had a similar effect to when any couple starts going on about their sex lives – awkward. Then she starts calling him ‘Daddy’ and he starts going on about Ike Turner (which I’d like to think was a horrendous slip of the tongue, which Mr Z deeply regrets, because the idea of a man beating his wife to a pulp and slamming her face into a cake isn’t all that sexy actually). Generally the whole thing was an embarrassing case of over-share.
Beyoncé and Mr Beyoncé aren’t every couple though are they? They’re beautiful and rich and successful, which is probably why the crowd gave them a standing ovation. Maybe if I’d elevated them to the status of rutting gods, I’d have enjoyed the performance more too. Instead I found myself thinking of them as mere mortals. We’ve all had a shag in the kitchen, sometimes it’s because the bed’s full of kids, sometimes it’s because you haven’t got round to changing the sheets for a while and they’re getting a bit crunchy. Or, as in Beyoncé & Jay-Z’s case, they were too pissed to make it upstairs and- reading between the lines of the lyrics- at least one of them had wet themselves.
It didn’t do anything for me, but then I am a classy bird. I like a bit of mystery and innuendo in my award ceremony routines rather than the gritty reality of a drunken fumble. Is this graphically honest approach to their love life going to inspire them from now on? As we speak is Jay Z trying to think of witty rhymes for fanny fart? Is Beyonce’s next track going to be called ‘Thrush Tennis’ (You give it to me and I give it right back; Yeah baby like a tennis match; now I gotta itch that I just can’t scratch– wow, this stuff is gold).
I’m not sure, but after that performance, things are going to be a bit weird between me and Beyoncé & Jay-Z for a while, and I’m sure as hell not eating anything off that kitchen table of theirs.